Friday, July 1, 2011

DNS rules of CUI

HA HA HA HA. . .

But seriously my friend just got a concussion from bailing on his bike late at night alone. My advice to him is not to do that, and to follow the patented, tried-tested-and-true DNS drinking rules.

1) Bike in a group. Duh. Being in a rad group always makes everything better.
2) Bike in back alleys and side streets. You avoid police and potential car drunk drivers, and then you can stop and drink some more if you want too and enjoy some alleyway art.
3) Bike slow. Whatever, right? Going fast is fun but if you shitter'd slow it down, then you'll live and be in good shape to go fast some other day. As one lovably constantly tipsy courier I know says. "I don't care about going fast right now if no one is paying me for it."
4) Know your limits. Don't be THAT GUY/GIRL at a party. Drink some water. Have a pizza slice. Don't be so wasted you embarrass yourself in front of your crush. Don't bike away if you can't walk. Crash on a couch, or in a back yard by the fire, or put your bike on a streetcar/bus/subway. It's better to do that and ride another day!
5) Wear some lights so others can see your drunk ass coming and avoid you. Wear a helmet because at least when the officer pulls you over for running that red light you can pull yourself together for 2 minutes to pout, make your eyes all sparkly and puppy-dog sorry and look him straight in the eye while you lie through your teeth about that mickey you didn't just drink and he'll send you off saying: "I see where you could be mistaken about the redness of the light. You're complying with the law with your lights and helmet so off you go!" Just make sure you don't correct him and tell him you're not because you don't have a bell and that's actually the law and he should know about it. Just smile and go, go, go!

Speaking of drunk biking, HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!!!!! And in 3 days HAPPY AMERIKA DAY to all you peeps south of our boarders!!!!!! There is a group of Vancouverites headed down to Seattle... I'm warning ya now!

p.s. Does anyone out there know about this Nylon Magazine helmet lookbook thingy? I like helmets.

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